So I became toweringly angry with someone, someone I feel a great deal for. It wasn't their fault, it was entirely mine; they were blissfully oblivious to me being hurt, wrapped up in a happiness of their own. And I wanted to drag them into my hurt, to make them share it, to spoil their happiness, and could happily have found a way of doing so simply by moving my own feelings into their field of vision. That would have done the trick: it would have been revenge. Revenge on an innocent.
I love the Goths, generally. They are an important part of my life. But there's a subset for whom 'evil' is part of the dressing-up box, put 'Sin' into nightclub names and think that engaging in mild sexual eccentricity is to strike a blow against Christianity. As though God cares about your whips and fake fangs. To discover in the heart of a Christian priest such a reservoir of cruelty; for anyone to find it in themselves to want to hurt and damage and kill someone they love; to hate at the same time as loving; that's evil, that's the dreadful reality of a fallen world. Play-actors.
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Hey sweetie - don't be so hard on yourself. You're just human, we've all felt like that. Fallen yes, but loved and redeemed.
ReplyDeleteI found out today that an ex-colleague is about to have her 7th child. I was suitably congratulatory, but I wanted to say something very different. Sending you LOTS of love xxxxxx
I don't think you are being hard on yourself, you are being honest, which is hard, but not hard on yourself, so to speak. Full marks for doing so: self-knowledge is particularly important in clergy. And full marks for not giving into temptation.
ReplyDeleteTake care, as ever -