On Tuesday I had a disappointment: something nice that was due to happen today wasn't going to happen after all. This began a spiral of unhappy feelings which, I'm ashamed to say, went down rather a long way. I woke up on Wednesday with a lot of back pain reviving nasty fears about a repeat of my slipped disc two years ago, and pain is terribly draining: I'm full of admiration for people who cope with chronic discomfort. Wednesday was a bad, bad day, at least so far as my internal state was concerned; externally, it wasn't particularly rough or demanding and I was even able to get a few things done. By bed-time I'd begun to clamber out of the hole, and this morning I was much happier, helped by my back being almost completely fine.
What strikes me is not that akedia (for it is the familiar demon again) comes down like a black cloud but that the cloud can blow itself out apparently without any external encouragement. I desperately wanted some reassurance but didn't get any, didn't speak to any friends, didn't have any good experiences to dispel the black thoughts. Nor did religion play any role whatever. When I'm in this state no pious thoughts can break through and have any impact at all. God feels not absent, so much as irrelevant: I don't care about him or what he thinks. Religious practice, on the other hand, I think probably does a great deal - saying the Office, going through the motions. I think that probably helps, not at the time, but to generate a personality that is a bit more resistant to the demon's goads and lies. Not much, maybe, but a bit. Then when the clouds clear, I can look back and be thankful.
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