A Unique Opportunity

On two occasions this week it's become clear that I have agreed to speak to groups - children and toddlers, thankfully, so the intellectual content didn't need to be particularly taxing - and then completely forgotten about it, only to rediscover the fact through some stray remark from a colleague with ten minutes to go. There are clearly angels whispering in ears, but angels being what they are one can't presume on their efficiency or good nature too far. So I am considering placing the following advertisement in the jobs section of the Church Times:

Wanted

MINION

to prevent an absentminded incumbent from being repeatedly humiliated

in the management of a not overwhelmingly busy parish.

The successful candidate will be able to show:

• Slavish devotion to his/her master
• A preference for the shadows
• A silent tread
• The ability to remember things everyone else has forgotten, in particular the location of interred cadavers

He/she will ideally possess:

• A degree in necromancy, witchcraft, or similar
• A voice resembling the late Peter Lorre
• A limp
• Own cloak of secrecy

Accommodation provided in church cellar. Gruel and rat allowance. Terms on application.

Apply to: The Rectory, Swanvale Halt, Surrey.

It's almost worth paying the fee.