Showing posts with label spiritual disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spiritual disorder. Show all posts

Saturday, 4 April 2026

Near the Finish Line

'Everywhere the glint of brass', as Howard Carter didn't say. Brass polishing is a Holy Week job which is not my province alone anymore as Jean our Sacristan does some of it, but I cleaned the old altar cross, the candlesticks I bought, the thurible (which everyone is too scared to touch in case they tangle the chains inextricably) and its stand, and the memorial plaques. A couple of years ago we discovered that one of my illustrious predecessors was a slave-owner, and I always feel slightly uneasy polishing his plaque, but it adorns the church so he gets the same treatment as (probably) worthier souls, or at least less ambiguous ones. 

Given my last post I am wary of being too gloomy, and as I've said before clergy should not burden laypeople in their churches with their problems, but part of this blog has always been about exploring the things others may be reluctant to say. Spiritually things have felt rather level for a long while, in a positive way, but, as I read in a compilation of Fr Benson's writings only yesterday, when you feel most confident is just when you are most in danger. For no very good reason Maundy Thursday and much of Good Friday were spent almost screaming interiorly and I have no idea what brought it about. Every thought was negative and the slightest mishap sent me spinning. This came about quite suddenly. At least I now realise what you do in these circumstances. You recognise it for what it is: a diabolical attack (however you want to understand that) intended to strike at your most vulnerable point in order to do the maximum harm to the people around you, in this case to try to provoke some explosion of temper. You don't try to analyse or negotiate with the negative thoughts, nor do you try to turn them to something prayerful and positive, because that won't work. You concentrate simply on remaining calm, you do your best to anticipate things that might set you off (I didn't always succeed in that), and wait it out. In my instance it seemed to lift after the Liturgy of the Passion on Good Friday, not because of any pious reflection or conviction of grace, or conscious cause at all, but simply dissipating in the way it had arrived. 

It really is a curious business and I can always be surprised by the violence with which these moods strike. I suppose that being more aware of how to deal with them than I once was is a positive step, but it seems to have taken such a long time!

And, after all that, a happy and blessed Easter to one and all!

Wednesday, 11 December 2024

Into the Unknown

My amazing friend Professor Cotillion regularly photographs orbs in her beautiful 17th-century cottage, little blobs of blue light that aren’t visible to the natural sight but appear to the camera. She’s a brave and intelligent woman and is perfectly aware of the obvious explanation that they are reflections or refractions (and that sometimes the patterning of them makes it very likely that they are), but she likes to think of them as friendly spirits, guarding the space that she’s been lucky enough to inhabit and enhance with her striking decorative gifts.

Meanwhile, on Tuesday, I was in the cafĂ© opposite the church, and Peter, a man in his late 60s perhaps, came over to speak to me, apologising for interrupting me. He described how, a few weeks before his wife had a stroke (from which, happily, she’s slowly recovering), he woke in the small hours of the morning to a strange white light from behind the TV and a voice which stated, firmly and definitely, ‘Do not move from where you are’. ‘Whoever you are, you’re not taking me or Elaine’, my interlocutor said – though he told me he had no sense that the presence was in any way malevolent. He didn’t feel afraid, though he did feel annoyed at being woken and disturbed. The voice repeated its instruction and the experience faded. ‘I couldn’t have moved even if I’d wanted to’, Peter went on, ‘I tried’. That puts the ‘vision’ into the familiar category of sleep paralysis, but that wasn’t really the point, I felt. I assured Peter that his experience was unusual but one many people undergo, and that the context in which it could make sense might not become clear for a long while. I wondered about the link with his wife’s illness. Peter thanked me, said he was going to go over to the church ‘to spend a few minutes with the Lord – I’ve often told him I’ll make him tea if he turns up and tells me what he’s about’, and he paid for my coffee too. (‘Can I buy you a pie, Father?’)

Over the years I’ve become much more tolerant of these experiences which one might term paranormal. You can see how they might get such a grip of a vulnerable soul that they might need to be gently prised away from them, have it pointed out that they are not rational and they shouldn’t base their life around them; but at the same time, if I believe that human beings are immensely complex, that we are holistic structures, and that therefore our subconscious mind can communicate with us through our conscious awareness, most of the time I don’t feel that, when I meet rational people who paranormal experiences, that my first response should be to explain those experiences away. Professor Cotillion’s friendly orbs externalise her own capacity for love, while Peter’s early-morning voice might well be telling him something he needs to take account of. They are both worth something, because God is everywhere, and not absent from these events either.

Sunday, 11 February 2024

Further Observations on the Abyss

Being overtaken by black moods and in fact talking about them is nothing new for me or this blog, but I have some revised or additional things to say about it.

1. The episodes seem to get more intense as I get older. It may be because they are now tangled up with my sense of mortality and the question of how far I might or might not fight a serious illness should it come my way (or when it does), or with issues of how far I’ve made the best use of my life hitherto. I say more intense: that doesn’t mean longer in duration, rather that they feel more dangerous.

2. There is nothing positive or useful about them. They bring no new insights or sympathies – except perhaps for other people who are afflicted in the same way – and in fact they clog up and obscure clarity of thought and vision.

3. There is no shifting them by effort, or by trying to spot and avoid the conditions that give rise to them. This is because this enemy is subtle, and can make use of any stimulus to achieve its result, no matter how innocuous. Most of the time you won’t even be able to spot or isolate the origin of the mood: it moves as quick as thought.

4. But if there is no guilt either in suffering from black thoughts or being unable to dispel them by will (and that kind of guilt can just deepen and intensify the thoughts), neither should they be acquiesced in. They need to be positively closed down whenever you find yourself caught up in them (and ‘find yourself’ is the correct characterisation, because it will happen before you know it), or they will deepen.

5. In fact, I am reticent about talking about them at all, for fear that they might catch! The cunning of this condition is such that recognising that others suffer from it could itself be an encouragement not to resist it when it comes, not to treat it as the adversary of all things human it really is.

6. It absolutely needs outside intervention to cure. If nothing the sufferer can do will shift the black mood, and it can be fuelled by absolutely anything, the best kind of intervention is a surprise, including to the person (if there is one) who brings it about.

7. The contribution the sufferer makes is therefore to be open to intervention, to be willing to put themselves in the kind of position where something surprising, unchosen and unanticipated can take place. A deliberate exposure to (say) the company of other people may not work, but it provides the space and occasion for something to work, and that’s about all we can do.

8. We must always rejoice and offer thanks whenever the danger passes.

Now then, does that help! 

Thursday, 23 November 2023

Cleer View

For some reason this day off has coincided with a low mood, and I know that there's no deliberately shifting it once it arrives - not the satisfaction from doing a succession of little jobs, seeing a friend for coffee, food or drink, or even the diversion of reading. It sucks all the pleasure out of these things, and will only move off when something unexpected moves it, like a breeze blowing away the cloud.

I think it was the right thing to do to go out of the house for an hour to the antiques centre, where I haven't been for a long time. I wasn't intending to buy anything, but along an obscure hallway (and they're all obscure at the antiques centre) found a print of a Cornish holy well. Acquiring new stuff doesn't necessarily make me any happier either, but at least this was a nice, small surprise. St Cleer's Well is a familiar one, but I've never seen this particular image before.

Friday, 17 March 2023

Unwelcome, But Gone

While talking to Jackie from the congregation in the alleyway that runs past the Rectory a couple of weeks ago I happened to cast my eye on the wall supporting the fence that separates my garden from that of a long-unoccupied adjoining house and spotted this thing. Jackie said she'd noticed it a day or two before. I may be traducing the maker, but I couldn't help but think it one of the most hideous and baleful objects I have ever seen. I hesitate to inflict it on you but it did make an impression with its goggly eyes, half-formed nose, apparently detached lips and warts, if that's what they are. It was clearly there to gaze out on passersby and, presumably, unnerve them. It achieved its aim as far as we were concerned. Now, I remember Ms Formerly Aldgate once remarking that 'most people choose objects and decorations to make their houses more homely and comforting. You pick yours to make it more unsettling', which I thought was an exaggeration, but even so I don't like unsettling things suddenly appearing out of nowhere that I have had no hand in procuring. Later that afternoon I made some holy water, took my purple stole, and sprinkled the mask while saying some appropriate prayers against malign intentions and reciting the Prologue of St John. I didn't want to destroy it; something nagged at me that that's how horror movies start. 

Now, despite a former Staggers colleague of mine saying that a similar thing had appeared in his churchyard once and thoroughly discombobulated everyone who saw it, I wasn't expecting the Adversary to manifest himself nearby as a result, even if I was reading Jeremy Harte's Cloven Country at the time (about which I may say something on another occasion). But if there are malevolent intents about, even perfectly human ones, I do think they attract more and so they need to be recognised and defused in some way. 

Yesterday I discovered that the mask had gone. Perhaps I was being too sensitive and someone was simply showing off their pottery skills (Ms Kittywitch commented that it was better than anything she ever produced in pottery class - 'the best I ever managed was a creepy hedgehog'). Professor Abacus asked 'Will it return?' and that would be really unsettling. LiberFaciorum did its best to add to the mood by posting on my timeline the banner 'Suggested for You' and then a picture of Patrick Troughton as Fr Brennan in The Omen skewered by a pole. How encouraging in my ministry.

Saturday, 25 February 2023

A Year On

Yesterday Hornington Town Council was planning a Pause for Reflection at 10am to mark a year after the invasion of Ukraine, and I couldn't make it because I was doing a funeral. At the last minute, or nearly, the Government announced there would be a national Pause for Reflection, at 11am, so the Council hurriedly shifted theirs. I couldn't make at it the later time either, because I had Toddler Praise which didn't major on Ukraine, funnily enough. I did manage to get to the evening vigil organised by the local Ukraine Support Group, opening the door of the community centre just as everyone was blowing out their candles. They made me do impromptu prayers as a punishment. 

My friend Lara, kind, liberal ex-BBC employee who is half-Finnish by blood and all Finnish by choice, told me a long while ago the Finnish proverb 'A Russian's still a Russian even if you fry them in butter'. Yesterday she posted on LiberFaciorum that what she felt mostly was 'hatred ... I recoil whenever I hear Russian being spoken on the Tube or in a shop ... I am lucky, I left Russia forever before I became an adult because my Finnish mother dreamt of leaving that wretched country all her life ... For now I can only hate, and donate a bit of money, and feel heartbroken'. Talk to my other Finn friend, anarcho-syndicalo-eco-activist Lady MetalMoomin, about the Russians and she becomes a Scandi-nationalist ready to pull the pin from a hand-grenade with her teeth. It's no surprise: they have been bad neighbours. 

Back when I was at college my mum's cousin worked for Oxford City Council and he and his wife regularly hosted foreign students, a good number of whom were decorative Russian girls called Olga and Natasha and so on who I quite enjoyed being invited to dinner with. There's a significant chance that some of them may now have grown-up sons of their own who are in Ukraine right now, trying to kill and not be killed. It amazes me that I can still speak on the phone to yet another friend, Peta, who teaches English in Moscow with her husband. They are South Africans so they're pretty safe there at the moment, though they'd quite like to go somewhere else. 'Please pray for the young men of Russia', she asked me the last time we spoke. 

As well as the physical dangers in this as in all wars, there are spiritual dangers too. War arises from delusion and falsehood, and is powered by pride and often despair: it unleashes hatred even where it did not exist before (at least Lara names it, rather than pretend). The ancient Russian conviction that they are eternal victims now combines with a terrifying nihilistic despair to take the country to a dark place indeed: it's only fascists who go on about how great death is. The Ukrainians, meanwhile, occupy the ground of hope and humanism, but they face the temptation any combatant confronts: to chase victory by turning, in subtle ways, into your enemy. Prayers for them must include a desire to preserve them from such a fate. War does all of this; it is hateful, even when it's necessary.

Wednesday, 7 December 2022

Obsession: Radio 4's 'The Witch Farm'

Let’s talk ghosts again!

My dad used to describe the frustrations of being a car mechanic. Customers would bring their cars to the garage and report ‘a funny noise’ which might be difficult to define or locate. When does this noise happen? the mechanics would ask. The customer might say that it happened under such-and-such circumstances, but not all the time. The mechanics would sigh and do their best. Sometimes they would begin work on one problem, only to discover something completely different. If this is how difficult it is to diagnose an issue concerning a lump of steel, plastic and glass with an internal combustion engine in it, an entirely material business, how hard must it be to deal with non-physical stuff you can’t test or measure, matter that’s affected by psychology, history, culture, and circumstances to unknown degrees?

As we noted in respect to Danny Robins’s previous dramatised paranormal investigation radio series, The Battersea Poltergeist, this problem is much to the fore in the one which has just finished on Radio 4, The Witch Farm. In the late 1980s and early 1990s the unfortunate Rich family experienced a bewildering variety of terrifying manifestations at an old house not far from Brecon called Heol Fanog. Over the years they engaged an equally wide range of specialists to find out why these things were happening and to stop them, beginning with the Anglican clergy at Brecon Cathedral who sprayed holy water about to no effect at all; a strange psychic with the unlikely name of Larry Harry who identified witches and other presences at the heart of the problem; a dowser who told them it was all about ley lines gone bad; a Baptist minister who spent two years, on and off, trying to drive demons out of the house; and finally ghosthunter Eddie Burks whose ministrations to the unhappy spirits he described at Heol Fanog seemed to bring positive results that sadly proved only temporary. Eventually the Riches had to leave, the family fell apart, and poor Bill Rich essentially drank himself to death.

Although I’d never heard of it before, this is far from the first time that the story of Heol Fanog has been told, but we are still no nearer a clear explanation. The various rationales, natural or paranormal, for the events at the house are not necessarily mutually exclusive; but that means that it’s hard to exclude any of them and reach a clear judgement about what went on. There’s nothing secure to go on, and in the show Ciaran O’Keeffe and Evelyn Hollow roll their sceptic-versus-believer double act across the ambiguity without resolution. The one absolutely demonstrable, material oddity among all the Heol Fanog phenomena is the abnormally high electricity bills the Riches found themselves paying not long after moving in: that should be a plain matter to investigate, but the electricity company that operated then no longer exists, the question is never really gone into, and, while no natural explanation is offered, neither is it clear why these entities should cause so much electrical disturbance when so many others don’t.

In my very, very limited experience of this area of work the first question one asks oneself is what might be the centre of the event. Some phenomena are definitely place-based; most ghosts, whatever one thinks ghosts are, focus on a particular location and never manifest anywhere else. Many of them play out the same actions and motions whenever they appear, like recordings. Other phenomena are person-based, and what we tend to call poltergeists seem to be of this sort, capable of manifesting in different places a specific individual happens to be. So, when trying to find out what might be going on in any stated case, you would ask the witnesses whether anything of the kind had ever happened to them before, in another setting. When The Witch Farm began, this was the very first question I wanted answered; whatever may have happened to the Riches, Heol Fanog appears to be quiet now and at one point in the drama Liz Rich is told that the previous tenant never experienced anything at all (though visitors to the house claimed to have done). In fact, Heol Fanog is quiet to the point that when Danny Robins goes to visit the location with a dowser he rather implies that they have to creep around the perimeter of the property and avoid annoying the current residents: he doesn’t actually state ‘we contacted them and they told us to get knotted’, but let’s say they don’t seem to have anything to add to the investigation, as they might if they were being plagued by the paranormal themselves.

Despite Heol Fanog’s apparently complex and disagreeable history, that led me to think right from the start that one of the Rich family was crucial to the whole thing and, by the end of the series, it seems that Bill Rich’s one-time involvement with the occult – he began an initiation into witchcraft with Alex and Maxine Sanders, but backed out before it was complete – was at the centre of the events, whether we understand its effects as supernatural or psychological. But in fact I’m coming to wonder whether there’s a third category of phenomena engendered by a person susceptible to disturbance arriving in potentially disturbed surroundings, and that may be what we have in The Witch Farm.

David Holmwood, the local Baptist minister who the Riches are put onto as a potential solution for their problems, interests me. Mr Holmwood worked in industry and his wife Patricia was a nurse before he concluded that he was being called to the ministry in 1971. He served as a student pastor at Stockwood Free Church in Bristol and then went to Fillebrook Baptist Church in east London before they both worked in Brazil. Mr Holmwood’s next posting I can find was in Romsey in 1988, after which he must have gone to Wales. Then he was at Stoke Row in Buckinghamshire, and his last appointment was with the chaplaincy team at Heathrow Airport in the early 2000s – in fact he was there to witness the effects of the attack on the World Trade Centre in 2001. This all seems unspectacular enough if a bit more varied than the average nonconformist minister's career, but The Witch Farm interviews his successor at Jerusalem Baptist in Pentrebach who states that Mr Holmwood had an extensive ministry of exorcism and dealing with the paranormal, at least while he was there.

Of course I had my head in my hands when the show described him as ‘a local vicar’ (he wasn’t), but Revd Holmwood doesn’t do anything an Anglican clergyperson might not, apart from working as a freelancer: Anglicans operate in teams, bringing doctors and psychologists into play as well as spiritual weaponry, but Mr Holmwood doesn’t have anyone else on board except for an American ex-Satanist called Anita. He drives them all to Heol Fanog and during the journey an owl chucks itself against the windscreen of the car in broad daylight, which is very Hammer House of Horror. Curiously he appears – from the drama, anyway – to identify Bill Rich as the focus of the problem quite quickly, but apparently never draws from him the actual reason why this might be so, instead getting him to burn his spooky paintings as he decides they are the way the Devil ‘gets in’. Even if Mr Holmwood’s techniques are not that different from his Anglican counterparts’, his obsessive persistence seems unusual. Not only does he take months readying himself for his oncoming battle with Satan, if we believe the narrative we’re presented with, he spends about two years hanging around at Heol Fanog, intermittently staying there, praying, reading Scripture, and scaring the Riches even more than they are already, until eventually they’ve had enough of him. Nothing that he does has any effect on what they’re experiencing. Coming from a Christian perspective, these techniques are supposed to be powerful and effective, based as they are in the power of God; if they haven’t achieved anything after repeated application, you ought to question whether your entire analysis of the problem is awry.

However we interpret the story of the Rich family, it strikes me that there’s another tale to be told here, that of a Christian minister sucked in by their own interpretation of a set of events which in fact seem to centre on a disturbed, lonely, and guilt-ridden individual. In that way, Revd David Holmwood – God rest his soul – should probably have had reason to be grateful that he was eventually detached from the obsessive power of Heol Fanog. 

Thursday, 3 March 2022

The Root of All Fears


Here’s a question. What connects an old Dr who story, Alexander the Great, a Russian neo-fascist philosopher, and the doyen of Anglican spiritual directors? You are, of course, about to find out, so bear with me as I know this is tortuous and very possibly completely wide of any kind of mark.

We’ll start with the philosopher, if one can call him that. Like everyone else I have spent probably too much time reading around the Ukraine conflict trying to understand where we all went wrong in our assessment of the way Russia, or certain Russians, have been thinking over the last few decades (when one of your congregation wants to talk to you about the Russo-Finnish winter war of 1939-40 and its possible relevance to current events, you know something unusual is happening). I had heard of Alexander Dugin but hadn’t given him much thought until his name kept cropping up as an influence on Mr Putin and his generation of Russian leaders. His widest-read book is called The Foundations of Geopolitics: there is a lot of reason to think even Mr Putin doesn’t buy into the wilder aspects of the Dugin programme which involve ‘dismantling China as far as possible’ – one wonders what Mr Xi makes of that if he’s aware of it – but at the heart of it is the interesting if tendentious idea that power relationships between states are determined fundamentally not by economics or ideas but simply by the position they occupy on the globe: that conflicts between nations whose power is based on land and those whose power is sea-based are bound to arise, and that Russia, occupying the centre of the Eurasian landmass, must inevitably be a paramount state regardless of anything else that might happen to it. In 1997 this was just what the Russian elite (and lots of others) wanted to hear: the idea that the Russian state would ineluctably return to dominance just when it had gone through several years of being close to a basket-case had an understandable attraction.

That ‘geopolitical’ concept has something going for it and I suspect that’s really what Mr Putin and those who surround him have taken on board. We have to hope they aren’t much interested in ‘the Finlandization of Europe’ which Dugin favours and so on, even if they have adopted many of his suggestions about fomenting unrest in the USA and detaching the UK from Europe. But why bother to rule the world - what’s the point, in Dugin’s thinking? It is to roll back modernity. Dugin loathes the contamination of ‘liberalism’: he can’t see any point to the internet and would like to abolish it, he bangs on about traditional family units, he talks about Russia championing collectivism over individualism – which leads him to his oddest suggestion, a combination of Orthodox Christianity and Russian neopaganism which he sees as having a common interest in ‘intuition’ as opposed to the rationality of the west. It all made me think how fascist thinkers manage to gather such collections of ideas which to the rest of us seem so weird. What underlying theme unites them? What’s really motivating them?

I considered how my own thinking over the course of my life so far has developed in completely the opposite direction, and how very little I really want to control anything, order anything, or tell anyone else what to do. The things I am most interested in are the smallest and least ideological – my friends, my family, beautiful things, a nice cup of coffee and a chat with someone I am well disposed to, some music, or indeed watching a creaky old episode of Dr who. These things seem the real and valuable ones, and everything else is irrelevant.

Kinda is a very uncharacteristic and highly weird Dr Who story. It sees Peter Davison’s Doctor and companions encounter a colonial exploration unit on a jungle planet whose natives don’t speak but communicate telepathically. Three of the mission have disappeared and the Security Officer, Mr Hindle, is clearly becoming mentally affected by the strain. When the mission commander Sanders goes off on a recce leaving Hindle in charge he has a complete breakdown, obsessing about the threat to the base even though there doesn’t seem to be any clear danger (it’s a very good performance by Simon Rouse). He threatens, shouts, cries, rambles about ‘microbes’, and finally rigs up a system of explosives which will obliterate the base itself and everything in a thirty-mile radius: ‘and then we’ll be safe’, he says. When the Doctor asks him what exactly he thinks the threat to the colonists is, he replies, ‘the plants’: there is something about the lush, abundant landscape outside the base that unhinges him. In the story’s Buddhist way of thinking, what Hindle cannot cope with is life: the fact that life keeps changing, that it continually has to be renegotiated with, never stops in one form. ‘Change and decay in all around I see’, he tells the Doctor a little before descending into complete looniness.

Jesus says (I read it at a funeral only this Tuesday) ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly’. Fascists, on the other hand, generally seem to hate life, like Mr Hindle. If they gain power, they rarely use it to indulge physical appetites particularly (except via architecture: they do like their monumental buildings) and are usually on the puritanical side of the scale. They tend to be misogynistic and want women to occupy traditional roles; they obsess about the family and tradition, which is why you often find them trying to rope in the support of the Church. They rail against the simple business of people enjoying themselves in the differing ways they choose. Why would you hate life so much? Because it involves constant change. Fascists are trying to stop things changing, to freeze the world at a particular point, to conquer it; the social or military conquest expresses a sort of existential conquest. And why would you be afraid of change? Because, ultimately, you are afraid of the death which change prefigures.

Of course most of us are afraid of death to some degree: one of the two experiences that come the way of all human beings, and yet we know nothing about it (beyond what our faith may tell us). We all want to ‘go home’; we all want things to be under control, just enough to manage; to maintain our comforting routines; to tell ourselves that we will wake up in the morning. But we don’t all experience these things as a constant underlying scream pushing us to obliterate the signs of change and movement that prove to us the fact that one day, we will die.

Perhaps Alexander the Great was the first expression of this futile attempt to cheat death by establishing physical dominance over as much of the world as he could. Whatever the point may have been to his conquests at the beginning, pressing on to ‘the ends of the world and the great outer sea’ had no rationale apart from getting there and planting a pillar with his name on it in the sands. Earth’s farthest shore would been trodden by the Macedonian’s foot, imprinted by his identity. It would be comprehended. Alexander was an oriental despot and of course ideological authoritarians are very different, but they too are trying to reach the shore of the farthest sea and claim it for their own.

Fr Somerset ward’s great sequence of Spiritual Instructions spreads from 1919 to 1959, forty years of reflection and the fruits of meditation: his very first was entitled ‘A Sermon on Fear’. Fear of death only forms an incidental example of his theme, but Somerset ward was convinced that it lay at the root of much human sin. It brooded in the soul, hidden, and emerged in morbid and disguised forms. I think we can see it wherever grandiose schemes of political organisation turn away from what human beings actually want, and chain them into someone else’s utopia.

Monday, 21 June 2021

The Dregs

Talking about spiritual disorder brings us to Mad Trevor. This afternoon I took him the third set of groceries in a week, and have said I won’t be doing it again until his benefits are paid next. I also paid off his phone bill. His current acute lack of money arose from two computer antivirus companies emptying his bank account: he accidentally took out subscriptions to them a year ago, when in fact he didn’t need either. He promises he will repay me: he is expecting up to £100K to be paid to him in the autumn by an insurance company who he has a funeral policy with. His social worker has warned him that no insurance company pays ‘loyalty bonuses’ of six figures to someone who’s had a £30-per-month policy for under a year, but he won’t be told. I tried to raise the subject today and he put the phone down. I don’t overly want to be repaid, even if I thought it was possible; what I want is not to be asked, though I know this is an instinct which reflects badly on me.

When I called round at the flat I knew Trevor was in as I could hear the keyboard (well, one of his keyboards) being played, but couldn’t make him hear: he had headphones on and I had to wait for a gap in the music. He was playing via the phone to a cousin who also plays the piano, someone who, the last time he was mentioned in conversation, Trevor characterised as a ‘fucking bastard’ and ‘a shit player, nothing compared to me’. But then I also found his crosses thrown outside on the gravel, presumably as a result of one of his at-least-weekly fallings-out with God.

Longstanding readers will be aware of my interactions with Trevor over the years. I am not sure my conclusion that nothing I can do, spiritually speaking, can help him, has improved our relationship, as such, though it has improved my sense of equilibrium. I strive not to argue, reason, cajole, or even comfort him, because ultimately his beliefs are so engrained that I can offer no comfort he will accept. When he is adamant that his dead Aunty Renee (mother of the forementioned cousin) is now an angel of such power that God is helpless to stop her attacking Trevor and taking away his musical abilities, there are no resources normal Christian belief can bring to bear even to make him feel better. If I tell him that's not how angels work, he insists that he is psychic, or a prophet, and knows I am wrong, so I end up limply remarking that I am sorry he has to put up with this. Seeing a soul so imprisoned is truly awful.

The consolation is that, however horrible the things he feels or experiences, he doesn’t feel them for long before moving on to something else; it’s taken me years to realise how childlike his responses are, flitting unreflectively from one thing to another, from rage to exultation to misery and back. There isn’t anything to be gained from engaging with any of them. How is it that I hadn't really cottoned onto this until so late in the day?

This means we’ve got very little now to talk about and our relationship is mainly reduced to him asking me for food. Today he included dishwasher tablets in the order which at least provided some variety. Given how resentful I get at his requests – a mirror-image of Trevor’s resentment aimed at God and the world in general – it was very uncomfortable when his social worker told me ‘I don’t know how he would manage without you helping him’. She is trying to arrange a legal guardianship for him so his finances will be dealt with and bills paid. In his more lucid times he knows he can’t manage, but she will have to catch him in one of those times to get him to sign the form. I hold onto that, as a possible light at the end of the tunnel.

Saturday, 19 June 2021

The Fringes of the Weird

My spiritual director’s training incumbent had been a directee of Fr Reginald Somerset Ward (which takes us back quite a way as Fr Ward retired in 1958), and has pondered whether some of RSW’s attitudes have rubbed off on him as a result. He will sometimes solemnly inform me that ‘Fr Somerset Ward would have advised you to take up woodwork’ or the like. It was a surprise that, when we were once discussing a brush I’d had (at second hand, I hasten to stress) with some anomalous spiritual phenomena, he claimed that ‘Somerset Ward was sort of on the outer fringe of that kind of world’ – because there is no trace of it in Ward’s writings that I have ever found.

But – following on from some of my speculations about the Golden Dawn the other week – I discover that there is a certain family connection between that outrĂ© ritual magicking and Fr Ward’s sober English mysticism. I already knew that there were clergy involved in the Golden Dawn, most notably Revd William Ayton, who married the G.D.’s Supreme Magus Samuel MacGregor Mathers to his formidable wife Moina Bergson, and who, so WB Yeats alleged, lived in perpetual terror of his bishop discovering the alchemical laboratory in his cellar. However, I hadn’t quite twigged how one of the Golden Dawn’s offshoots, the Stella Matutina, was explicitly Christian in focus. Adherents of other religions could be members of the S.M., but whereas the parent order had thought of Christianity as one reflection of an overarching esoteric tradition, the Stella Matutina saw the occult work as an aspect of Christianity. As the head of the order, Robert Felkin, stated, the suggestion was that in addition to the open, exoteric doctrines of the Church, Jesus had communicated to the disciples secret techniques of spiritual working which the occult world had now rediscovered for the benefit of the human race. We now know that what various writers have hinted was indeed actually the case, that several brothers of the Community of the Resurrection at Mirfield were members of the S.M., including Timothy Rees who eventually became Bishop of Llandaff and Frank Selwyn Bennett who was eventually Dean of Chester, as was – perhaps most surprisingly – the redoubtable Fr Alban Baverstock, twice Master of the Society of the Holy Cross. The old suggestion that there was a link between clergy who were members of the Stella Matutina and the founding of the Guild of St Raphael, which revived the healing ministry within the Anglican Church, seems to be true. When Felkin set up the branch of his Order in New Zealand – the Smaragdus-Thalasses Temple – not one bishop but several ended up as members, joining while they were bishops. That future mystical writer Evelyn Underhill was part of this was already well known, but the extent of clerical involvement is news.

We all know this because of a 2009 PhD Exeter PhD thesis by one Anthony Fuller, which traces particularly the links between Anglo-Catholics and these occult organisations. As Mr (I presume now Dr) Fuller points out, at the time the Community of the Resurrection wasn’t that large, and given that members of the Stella Matutina had to carry out a whole series of practical magical exercises and even take exams to advance in the order, its Superior, Fr Walter Frere – later Bishop of Truro – must have known what they were doing and, like them, seen no necessary contradiction between such occult antics and Christian orthodoxy, however weird we might find it now. Dr Fuller’s most striking claim is that some aspects of the original Golden Dawn’s ways of doing things were transferred from the Society of the Holy Cross – founded thirty years earlier – probably via CM Davies, an Anglican priest who had founded the SSC along with Fr Charles Lowder and others, but then renounced his orders. He wasn’t actually an adept of the G.D., but his wife was and he organised his own group for mystical Christian meditation, the Guild of the Holy Spirit. A bold and unprovable speculation; but not an unreasonable one.

So what of Fr Somerset Ward – neither, clearly, an occultist, nor even really an Anglo-Catholic (though definitely a Catholic Anglican)? His interest was in the English mystical tradition of the Middle Ages – the tradition of Richard Rolle, Walter Hilton, and Mother Julian, all of whom were being rediscovered by Anglican Churchpeople in the later 1800s. Ordained in London in 1896 – at exactly the same time that MacGregor Mathers was at his height – Ward was part of a movement to develop a deeper, more serious spiritual life among Christians. He looked back to the Middle Ages for clues as how to do it, how to recover a tradition of spiritual working which was more than just Bible reading and creed-reciting and which was not a million miles from the sacramentalism championed by the first couple of generations of the Catholic Revival in the Church of England. Others, conversely, delved into more esoteric ways of doing things to achieve exactly the same. In a sardonic mood we might ascribe the occult’s appeal to some Anglo-Catholics to dressing-up and ritual complexity, but we could read it more generously as a reflection of a genuine religious instinct: a desire to go deeper into God, even (as in the Guild of St Raphael and the experiences of Agnes Sanford) to see the most altruistic and hopeful of one’s prayers answered, prayers for healing and reconciliation. Fr Somerset Ward appears in stone on the west front of Guildford Cathedral, and just feet away from him is Evelyn Underhill, who was definitely a member of the Stella Matutina and – so Golden Dawn writer Ithell Colquhoun wondered – whose vision that led to her conversion may have been sparked off by G.D. techniques.

AC Fuller states (though without any source) that an Anglican episcopal enquiry about the year 1939 resulted in an instruction that no ordained person should be a member of any occult society. This would have been five years after Dennis Wheatley’s The Devil Rides Out was serialized in the Daily Mail and by then Middle England might have been very familiar with the motif of the clerical diabolist operating under the cover of collar and cassock. If this enquiry did actually happen (and I can’t uncover any actual evidence it did) the Anglican hierarchy would have realised, if they didn’t already know, that the picture wasn’t completely removed from the truth. In 1946 that odd figure Fr Lionel Smithett Lewis, vicar of Glastonbury, carried out the funeral service for Dion Fortune, who had always thought of herself as a Christian; by then, occultism wasn’t just a neutral spiritual technique. The ‘fringes’ of that world were far more clearly defined.

Thursday, 12 March 2020

Success! For Someone

I haven't told you about Trevor for a long while. This is because he was in hospital for quite some time, as it turned out - the middle of October to the middle of January, in fact. When he came out he was much, much quieter than he had been before. He still had social problems and money worries to battle with, but his delusions and hallucinations had all but disappeared. He could even interrogate his obsessive impulses. He ended up buying three new keyboards on eBay, with the thought that he could cannibalise them for parts and make some wonderful single new keyboard, but halfway through the process actually realised this was daft - not early enough to save his money, apparently, but at least he realised it. He went through one wobble when he wasn't talking to the mental health team, but now seems to be seeing them again. All that serious examination of the possibility that there might be something supernatural happening to him (even if it wasn't what he thought it might be), all that anxiety and irritation, resolved into nothing, by finally getting his medication right and consistent. The Devil, in this case, vanquished by a combination of plant-derived pills and injections. All those manifestations and utterances, the product of a bizarre and awry psychology.

'If anything, the Devil is in the effect he has on you,' the last Deliverance Advisor Trevor consulted told me. The mental convulsions and contortions I've gone through over the years when I entertained the idea that God might, just perhaps, be trying to tell me something through Trevor, certainly did me no good. I wonder whether I should write it all down for the instruction of my brothers and sisters ... Well, write it somewhere else. 

Sunday, 11 August 2019

The Fire of the Spirit and its Diversions


It was a circuitous route that got me round to buying Julia Duin’s history of the church of Redeemer, Houston, Days of Fire and Glory. I know someone who had links with the Jesus Fellowship – what most people knew colloquially as the Jesus Army – and who is involved with the mopping-up after the collapse of that group, and in reading up about the JF I was struck by its links with Redeemer. That church was an unremarkable US Episcopal parish, struck from the mid-1960s by a charismatic revival and which until its precipitous fall sat at the centre of the global charismatic movement. The book is sometimes bewildering as its writer insists on mostly using people’s forenames, and in late ‘60s and early-‘70s Texas there seem to have been an awful lot of Bills, Jeffs, and Georges around; there are non sequiturs, and whatever are the opposite of non sequiturs, when a future event is signalled but not followed up, as in ‘there was nothing Jeff felt he had done wrong, or he felt forgiven for it. Not for another 12 years would Jeff realize the depths of his sin’, yet we never hear anything more about this particular Jeff’s sins, which makes you wonder why they were worth mentioning. Possibly Ms Duin felt she had to do justice to the nearly-200 interviews she conducted researching the book, and so included everything she could fit in. But Days is compelling, certainly, if this is a topic that you have any investment in.

At the heart of the story of Redeemer is Revd Graham Pulkingham, who arrived as its parish priest in 1963, ‘a blond-haired 37-year-old clergyman with … fashionable liberal views and a confident air of authority that people either hated or found irresistible’, determined to make a difference to the poor East End of Houston. He made no difference at all, and after about a year he was in despair. He took time out of a holiday to drive to New York to visit an independent pastor called David Wilkerson, whose biography, The Cross and the Switchblade, had described his work among the city’s young drug addicts and the power of ‘baptism in the Holy Spirit’ to transform the lives of even the most degraded souls. Baptism in the Holy Spirit was – is – an ecstatic breakdown accompanied by ‘charismatic’ phenomena such as speaking in tongues, and which Wilkerson had lifted from the experience of the Pentecostal Churches: a sort of second conversion in an established Christian, and a first if you weren’t.

Pulkingham talked to Wilkerson about his sense of desolation and failure, and then admitted something else: his persistent homosexual feelings, despite being thirteen years married and the father of four children. When he had first discussed his vocation to the priesthood, he had talked about just this with Bishop of Texas Clinton Quin, who’d sent him for counselling. They both considered it dealt with, but it wasn’t. Now, after a couple of days shadowing Wilkerson in his work, Pulkingham knelt in front of him and the director of a local mission, and as they laid their hands on him he felt he could hear angelic voices, and ‘the most majestic presence and power he had ever known … the degradation was gone.’ ‘We can go now, the Baptizer is here’, announced Wilkerson, and they left the priest on his own to recover. Once again, his inner problem was dealt with. But, predictably, once again it really wasn’t: it had just been pushed below the surface.

Pulkingham returned to Houston filled with excitement and energy. All at once, where everything had been bare, stale and unprofitable, his ministry caught fire. He began to experience the gift of tongues and healings took place. He attracted a small core group of middle-aged men of a variety of backgrounds who would become the five ‘elders’ of Redeemer, and out of their experience came the church’s key contribution to the world of charismatic Christianity: the intentional community. One by one, the elders began to invite troubled souls, of various sorts, to come and live with their families, and as often as not the charismatic experience led to them escaping their difficulties. It was like the Book of Acts come to life: this was how Christianity was supposed to work. The idea of communal living fitted in neatly with Pulkingham’s liberal-left biases, and gradually the ‘households’ became the major institution of the church. People attracted by Redeemer’s ideals and work sold homes in nicer parts of the city to move nearby and establish their own ‘households’, living an intense communal existence, pooling their resources, ministering to each other, getting by on very little sleep between the prayer, ministry and meetings. By 1971, the church numbered 1400 members of whom a third lived in community, and total weekly attendance was more than half as much again. Christians from all across the Western world, including Cardinal Suenens, came to Houston to see how it was done, and tried to transplant the ideas elsewhere. Strikingly, remember, this was still an Episcopal church, and its worship was liturgical, structured by the calendar, and Eucharistic (though the music was very distinctive).

We don’t need to trace the following years in any detail. Suffice it to say that things went off the boil at Redeemer. Pulkingham left in 1972 to pursue different sorts of Christian community living, first in Coventry, then Scotland, and lastly in Pittsburgh, but Redeemer never managed to let go of him, nor he, it, and he kept popping back to lead, preach, or teach. Gradually the ideal of community was emphasised and charismatic gifts downplayed until they seemed relatively unimportant. However rather than look at itself honestly, the church continually attempted to reheat the same formula from the late 1960s, until it had too few people to make that work. Its leadership took refuge in authoritarianism and the beautiful worship papered over the cracks. It endlessly talked about what had gone wrong but seemed to have no idea what to do: it should have renewed itself as an ordinary Episcopal parish but couldn’t mentally let go of its glorious past. There is chapter after weary chapter of church members delivering prophetic 'words from the Lord' about the future of Redeemer, but nothing happens. Pulkingham’s other experiments in Christian community were never anything more than dysfunctional and unsatisfactory, either. Finally, Duin relates how in 1992 the now retired Pulkingham was suspended from the ministry after admitting seducing a church member on the pretext of ‘healing’ his homosexual inclinations, and then palming him off in a hopeless marriage with a woman in the congregation, among other transgressions. The dĂ©nouement was bizarre, sad, and very American: Graham Pulkingham died from a heart attack (not his first) after witnessing a shooting at a grocery store in Burlington, North Carolina, in 1993. Redeemer continued to judder downwards, and eventually closed.

I hadn’t realised how crucial a role Redeemer played in the growth of Christian attempts at communal living framed around the charismatic experience. It was Redeemer which shaped the development of the Jesus Fellowship; the JF’s founder, Noel Stanton, had his Baptism in the Spirit in 1969 after 12 years as lay pastor of little and unremarkable Bugbrooke Baptist Church in Northamptonshire, and four years later founded New Creation, an intentional community in an old Anglican rectory, along the lines Redeemer had suggested (Graham Pulkingham was living in Coventry at this time, so perhaps Stanton met him). We know how all that ended. I also remembered the Church of England’s own scandal from the 1990s, the Nine O’Clock Service fiasco centring on the dramatic figure of disgraced priest and ‘techno-shaman’ Chris Brain; Brain’s network had begun with a Christian rock band, Candescence (strange echoes there of Evanescence, whose religious-themed Goth rock enjoyed success in the mid-2000s), whose members and supporters moved into a house in Nairn Street in Sheffield in 1978: they were linked to the charismatic-evangelical church St Thomas Crookes in the city. Now, these experiments were all different, but the progression towards authoritarianism and abuse was the same, rooted in sexual dysfunction. Pulkingham was a deeply repressed homosexual; Brain seems to have escalated very quickly from sincerity into abusive sexual relationships with women members of the community; Stanton was supposedly celibate, definitely misogynistic, and what he did isn’t yet quite clear. Even in Brain’s case, the communities seem to have started with the best of Christian intentions, but however they began (and we can see that in Redeemer, Houston’s case they started up by accident), the way they developed was shaped by their founders’ hangups. In all three cases marriage and family relationships were denigrated in favour of the life of the community as a whole – which meant, effectively, the demands and sometimes desires of the leadership. Expectations that all community members pool their incomes removed individual independence in financial matters and, as so often, money led the way for other things: psychological, emotional and spiritual independence went with it (Julia Duin refers to one Redeemer household member who had her dog put down because Pulkingham told her it was getting in the way of her spiritual development).

This is all obvious enough, perhaps, but from a Christian viewpoint, what does it say about such experiments in community? Julia Duin’s book is littered with references to others, not just Redeemer’s, which followed the same pattern of institutionalisation, authoritarian abuse, and collapse, even when they weren’t marked by sexual misconduct. Duin herself had spent two years in a setup in Portland, Oregon, called Bethlehem, divided into a number of households. By the end of the book, she still believes that ‘community had provided the natural cradle to nurture the riskier gifts’ and even though her diaries from that time were ‘full of longings for escape’, she ‘stayed, hoping for a change in the core of my being, so I could be a more powerful, Spirit-filled Christian’. Don’t we all. But for her, the change didn’t come. She interprets the collapse of so many attempts at Christian community living as an aspect of spiritual warfare, of the attack by malign spiritual forces on anything Christians try to do to advance the Kingdom. But in fact, shorn of the extra stress that comes from validating personal worth by charismatic experience, some communities get by very happily, from traditional religious orders to, remarkably enough, the Community of Celebration: that emerged from Graham Pulkingham’s efforts in the 1970s, and it still survives in Aliquippa, Pittsburgh and Post Green, Dorset. They are much quieter and less ambitious now, and try to work with the grain of natural human relationships and not against it. They are marked – so far as I can tell – by kindness and not judgement, and they don’t elevate personal experience over the Bible or the tradition of the Church, and so allow much less scope for individual hangups to shape their development. They are perhaps less exciting, but more sane.

And what is the nature of the charismatic experience? Julia Duin is a convinced believer, but she reports honestly and even cynically her encounter with the man behind the 1994 ‘Toronto Blessing’, South African evangelist Rodney Howard-Browne. At a meeting in Orlando, she went up for prayer: ‘I had been around long enough to know that lifting one’s hands can put you off balance enough for someone to smack you on the forehead to make sure you got ‘slain’ [in the Spirit] … I folded my hands near my waist … I felt nothing … the three men asked me to pray [in tongues] louder. What, I thought, am I praying to them? … This was becoming a farce. “Sorry”, I said, and walked away.’

So when Graham Pulkingham, or Noel Stanton got baptised in the Spirit (it doesn’t seem to have happened to Brain in the same way), what happened? What was that sudden outpouring of joy and the sense of presence and power? Did they genuinely receive some special kind of supernatural grace, which they then abused? If it really was the Spirit, how could they abuse it? How could they fall away to such an extent? Duin speaks to David Wilkerson in New York, and asks him how he had managed to steer clear of sexual sin. ‘The only way to stay righteous,’ he says, one imagines with a touch of weariness, ‘is to expose your heart to God every day.’ But this is what all Christians have to do anyway. This is the normal, ongoing battle to be holy, to walk in sanctification, to discover what holiness means, which we all undergo, not just charismatics. The mistake the fallen charismatics seem to have made is that they assumed that peak experience would permanently change them, would remove the need for self-examination, would short-circuit the ordinary business of repentance and effort. Baptism in the Spirit is certainly there in the New Testament; it’s a real experience which the apostolic writers seem to think is important, but if it doesn’t actually change that, what’s the point of it? What does it do?

I think that in the same way that deliverance can be a sort of ‘catastrophic confession’, so Baptism in the Spirit can be a sudden experience of emotional realisation, a correlate of the acceptance of Christian faith but different from it. In some Christian traditions a deep and joyful relationship with God takes ages and ages to grow, and is the result of long training in prayer and living. In charismatic Christianity, it still requires all those, but has a sort of sacramental expression in a sudden event, in exactly the same way that water-baptism needs the individual to lay hold of it for themselves in the years afterwards. It’s the same relationship between the short- and the long-term, and, therefore, in fact nothing very special.

However, in terms of Christian community, it has another effect, ironically considering how far these various charismatic bodies went off the rails. It creates trust. Christians can see one another going through the same experience of vulnerability and emotion, and there is something about that which, I suspect, genuinely does release the energy of the Holy Spirit, especially when people are, perhaps, all too reticent about their inner lives.

I can’t say I haven’t learned anything from thinking about this basically sad story – another, if very minor, fruit of the Spirit, maybe.

Saturday, 16 February 2019

All Human Life is Here

Annabelle came bouncing into Church Club at the Infants School with a paper towel. It turned out to contain a small worm. Called Timmy. 'How long have you had this?' I asked Annabelle. 'Since the morning,' she beamed. I said I thought Timmy would probably prefer more worm-friendly surroundings but as Annabelle clearly wasn't going to return him to the wild just because I said so, I found a plastic sample pot in the science supply box, and we scooped some dirt from the trough in the playground, and put Timmy in that. His relief was obvious. Meanwhile Sam ran up displaying two splodges of red pen on his palms. 'I'm bleeding!!' he announced. Moments later Ruby had done the same, only she had managed to cover her hands with red felt tip. She kept asking permission to go to the toilet to scrub it off and eventually succeeded, returning with her hands only slightly less red than they'd been with the pen on them. Lauren (q.v.) was asked about this by Jade.
Jade: Why did Ruby do that?
Lauren: She was copying Sam. [very seriously] I don't think anyone should copy Sam.
. . . . . . . . . . .

Trevor has been thoroughly troublesome lately. His delusions have been ever more definite and he's been very annoyed indeed, on and off, with me, God, and the world in general.
Trevor: It's Terry who's been cursing me. He's the one who's responsible for all my problems. 

Me: But your problems started before you met Terry.
Trevor: That's because he can do psychic readings with his cards, he told me. He could see that he would meet me in the future and that God had promised I would marry [the actress he's obsessed with] and he wanted her for himself, so he cursed me in the past so that he could have her in the future. And he had sex with her by magic. But it's all right because even though I can't have [Ms X] Jesus and the Devil have come to an agreement that I will have four wives in compensation.
Me: I think you need to tell the Deliverance Advisor all this ...
Trevor: Mr Stribley [his other great enemy] has murdered Pam [a neighbour of Trevor's parents who's been in a care home for a couple of years]. I called down the fire of God on him. If he gets burned up by God, the police won't prosecute me for it, will they?

Me: No, Trevor, the police definitely won't prosecute you for burning up Mr Stribley. But why did he murder Pam? What did he stand to gain?
Trevor: That's just what he does. He's murdered so many people. All those poor people on that aeroplane that vanished from Malaysia, he did that.

. . . . . . . . . . .

I was sat with Rick our verger saying Morning Prayer, slightly disturbed by a persistent sawing noise from outside. I assumed it was Jack, who is often about on Saturday morning tidying in the churchyard and doing odd jobs. But what could he be up to?

Once we were done, I went outside to say hello. I found not Jack but a man I've seen around the village but never spoken to before. He was sawing laminated flooring panels on the benches in the churchyard. He doesn't speak English that well. 'These for my house,' he explained. 'No table. Is all right?'

I was too nonplussed to disagree. Of course it was. It was only afterwards I found he'd managed to saw shavings off the benches as well as his floorboards. I suppose we are, in this, providing a service to the community. I should tell the diocesan newspaper.

Saturday, 19 January 2019

When Sin is Not

After Hazel made her confession, we sat and talked a while over tea about sin. I said I thought that some matters serious Christians often felt worried about were not so much sins as normal features of the spiritual life and possibly needn't be confessed so much as talked through, although the confessional was perhaps one occasion for doing so. Distractions during prayer frequently comes up; I tend to feel that concentrated prayer is such an unnatural habit and requires so much effort that distraction is only to be expected and although it may arise from the sinful nature it probably should not be treated in this way. Particular and persistent distractions may reveal important matters of the soul that need dealing with, but that leads into the field of spiritual direction. 

Then there's a whole category of faults and failings which begin with the words 'I have been insufficiently ...' this or that. These are usually free-floating expressions of self-dissatisfaction which are very unhelpful unless they can be tied down to some definite, concrete thought or act. We are all insufficient, especially if we measure ourselves against an unrealistic ideal. Then again, I remember the caution we all received at theological college that if we ever found ourselves hearing the confessions of members of religious orders we might be subjected to all sorts of stuff which we might not think was important in any way, and in those circumstances we should just take it as offered and treat it as the work of the Holy Spirit in that soul: consequently I don't want unreflectively to knock such thoughts down as irrelevant or neurotic. 

In fact I'd entirely forgotten why I was visiting Hazel at all, so that's something to remember when I come to make my own Lenten confession ...

Monday, 3 December 2018

Screwtiny

Having recommended it to other people several times, how it can have happened that I had never actually read for myself CS Lewis's classic The Screwtape Letters I can't imagine. A couple of weeks ago I visited the local 'community amenity site' (that which once upon a time was called a tip) which, like others of its kind, has a little junk shop now attached to it and where I found an old Fontana edition of the book. 

I've never warmed to Lewis. For me, notwithstanding the insightful, vivid and creative ways he illustrates the traditional formulas of Christianity such that you think about them in new forms, there is a vein of smugness threaded through almost everything he wrote, including the great Narnia sequence. The exception is A Grief Observed, his slim 1961 volume written in the aftermath of the death of his unexpected wife Joy and whose visceral rage against God is a sober corrective to that level, imperturbable faith.

Smugness isn't absent from Screwtape. Behind its description of the pitfalls of the spiritual life, expressed via the imaginary pen of the devil Screwtape, there is the sense that its author does not find himself very deflected by them: they are matters he has got sorted, done-and-dusted sins. Of course this cannot be the case. To describe such disturbances you must have experienced them, and still understand their power. The great surprise to me in Screwtape was the book's psychological acuity, and you don't get that by mere observation, unless observation includes your own reactions. I especially rated Letter 26 on the spiritual dangers of 'Unselfishness' - an aim far removed from the Christian notion of sacrifice and which, Screwtape points out, is capable of producing all sorts of worthwhile mischief in the lives of human beings. 

The true nastiness of the story only pokes through towards the end, as the senior devil's warning to his nephew 'bring us food or be food' becomes horribly prescient. Lewis apparently disliked writing the book and found it a great strain thinking his way into the common mind of Hell. The pleasure that comes with it is the dry one of the appreciation of bare wit and brutal sense, and which you cannot but admire, even while you may not love.

Saturday, 24 November 2018

Digital Simulation

'I and God have been making a paradox', Trevor told me on the phone, a sign that we were into science-fiction mode this morning. One of his abiding delusions is that screens of all kinds, whether TVs, computers or phones, can create portals to other dimensions or in fact generate other realities wholesale. This wouldn't matter, as Trevor sitting in his flat playing multiple copies of old movies like The Robe in the belief that he's multiplying God in order to sort his problems out doesn't harm anyone; were it not for the fact that it stops him doing anything that actually would improve his life. Rituals like this are also part of his anxiety structure, his belief that God needs him to carry out certain acts in order to combat evil, especially evil as it relates to himself: 'I have to repair God's throne, God's cross has been condemned.' It doesn't do him any good.

I try to reassure him that God's power is eternal and can't be added to or reduced, and that playing videos doesn't affect it one way or the other. 'We live in a digital simulation, Dr Chuck Missler says so,' Trevor insists, 'it's in the Bible.' I say that I can't think of anywhere the Bible talks along those lines. 'It is, there's a hidden code. You don't know, you haven't studied it. You only know the replacement theology of the Church of England.' There have been occasions when Trevor has declared that 'When I am on my throne in heaven I will condemn the replacement theology,' but we don't get that far this time.

The late Chuck Missler is one of Trevor's favourite evangelists. I suspect he wasn't quite the nutcase he may appear to have been, despite having written a book arguing that alien encounters are in fact meetings with demons. In fact a lot of what Dr Missler wrote was intended to be quite speculative rather than a presentation of hard fact. I suspect his articles and statements about the illusory nature of reality fall into that category: he's taking a set of deductions about the indeterminacy of subatomic physics and using it to argue the utter dependence of the world on God, and incidentally to undermine human beings' confidence about what they think they know: attacking science with a few bits of science. It's a bit a of cheap trick, I think, but even Chuck Missler can't have imagined that a schizophrenic man in a flat in Hornington would have used his ideas to justify playing videos to create alternate universes. I suppose it would be churlish to blame him.

Tuesday, 11 September 2018

From Below

The old spiritual writers are unanimous: when you are provoked to some wrongful thought by someone else, you should give thanks that they have revealed the corruption that lurks inside your own soul, for if it wasn't there, you wouldn't have felt it. 

Yesterday morning on the way to the Steeple House an immensely violent thought shot into my mind, a picture of me hitting someone who has brought me a lot of trouble over the years. I tell people who are disturbed by the same sort of things that pop into their awareness that this isn't uncommon, that intrusive thoughts, whether violent, sexual, or disgusting, afflict almost everyone from time to time, and that they shouldn't focus on them but push them away and regard them as transient mental trash which you shouldn't pay attention to. However, the truth is that I don't really know how common such thoughts are because nobody really talks about it. Psychiatrists, psychotherapists and spiritual directors may, as they are used to dealing with the minutiae of people's interior lives, but it's hardly a daily topic of conversation, and perhaps there are lots of souls who are genuinely never disrupted by nonsense of this kind. 

My advice is usually that intrusive thoughts don't reflect the real personality of the person they assail: they bubble up spontaneously from the depths of the unconscious and if they represent anything it is the common and disturbing scope of the human imagination. But the truth is that sometimes there's something there. My violent image came from a bedrock of anger against a particular person and while I shouldn't pay attention to it - to the extent that I begin endorsing it and it turns from a thought into a fantasy - I should be aware of, and fear, it. 'He who hates a brother walks in darkness', says blessed John, and I should pray for that buried and denied emotion to be eroded by grace. 

Sunday, 12 August 2018

In the Cloud

It’s been a long time since I last had the experience of not wanting to get up for several mornings. I feel ashamed of it, because so many of my lovely friends battle illness and disability and my issues are petty in comparison: I know that, although it’s related to external circumstances, it’s not proportionate to them. I don’t justify the feeling, I just recognise it as a fact.

Metropolitan Anthony said that when he found himself in the cloud, he would open his letters and not even attempt to do anything more active (and, as his biographer Gillian Crow pointed out, that didn’t mean he actually read them); and that if he couldn’t face that, he would read; and that if he couldn’t even read, he would clean his room. I find at these times that even cleaning requires effort. At the moment I’m preparing for a party at the end of the month and want to clean the whole house more thoroughly than usual, and this afternoon intended to do one bit of my unrealistically vast kitchen: at several points in that process I had absolutely to force myself to carry on with it, the main impetus coming from the thought that I couldn’t leave it half-done. What I want to do is sleep, because sleep seems more rewarding than wakefulness.

It is of course a very quiet season in the life of Swanvale Halt parish at present and there have been times recently when I sit and think what I could usefully do next. Perhaps I ought to embrace this as an opportunity and not try to do anything in particular.

This morning would have been the annual open-air ecumenical service at Hornington, had the rain not forced a retreat into the Baptist Church. The worship songs were dull (even discounting for my disaffection, I think they genuinely were) and there was nothing to break through my mood. I did all I could to prevent my indifference hardening into cynicism. There was the opportunity to ‘receive prayer’ in a side room afterwards, and I thought I might do that: just tell whoever it was that I was bare and dry, and hope that it might be a means of God doing something with me. But when I looked through the door, the three Baptist Church members offering prayer were seated in a semicircle talking to each other. I didn’t think I could expose myself to that. I couldn’t walk all that way across the carpeted floor to that group of assessing faces (What’s he doing here?), so I went home instead. As an ordained person I’m used to brazening it out, and I couldn’t face it: what must anyone else feel like?

And so I remain in the cloud for now. It seems that when I have something liturgical to do I can pretend it’s not there – something else takes over, the Holy Spirit, perhaps. That’s a comfort. But I’m not pushing it, in case it breaks.

Saturday, 16 June 2018

Following the Script

My time at Swanvale Halt has been punctuated by a series of bungled pastoral encounters. There was Problem Lady who I let stay in my house and who had to be extracted with the aid of a friend. There was Micky who slept in the rhododendron bush and who had to be expelled after I found him weeing up the front of Boots' one Sunday morning, and Rick the ex-convict (and future convict, as it turned out), who formed a black hole of disruption that affected the church for a while four years ago. There was Karly; I remember the tearful meeting I had with her in church a couple of Christmases ago when she explained she was dying of leukaemia and the equally tearful goodbye she made to her god-daughter a couple of weeks later. She turned out not to be ill at all. With all of these people there has come a crisis point when my patience has come to an end and when I've finally concluded that my interactions with them have been causing more harm than good. 

That happened with Julie this week, as the previous post suggested. It would be tedious to get into all the he-said-she-said details, but suffice it to say that I told her there was going to be no more money coming from me, and help, if help was accepted, would come from the church pastoral team and be to do practical things such as sorting out a birth certificate and a bank account, things she will need to escape her current circumstances, whatever direction she goes in. 

This news was not well-received. I remember the day I refused to give Rick any more money, and he stood outside the Co-Op screaming at me, 'What the fuck am I supposed to do now?' Karly did the same, though via text; I don't think the message I got from her phone in which the only distinguishable words were 'Go fuck yourself! You can just fuck off!' were actually directed at me. Instead she informed me how evil I was, how I shouldn't call myself a Christian, how I was a fake priest, and how I would be exposed. Julie said all of these things, too; I could almost predict her lines. Like Karly before her, she threatened suicide: 'My death will be on your conscience and I will haunt you forever'. This is the last resort of someone who knows they have no other leverage left. A sinful part of me wanted to tell Julie how closely she was repeating Karly's complaints, given how much she hates her. 

They are right. I should never have got into the position of supporting them in this way and would not do so now. These pastoral collapses represent the last results of my early naivety in parish ministry and the seductive delusion of the image of the old-time parish priest dishing out largesse to the poor which, however much I consciously reject it, is still there in the back of my mind. They are finally working their way out of the system. If there's anyone I really need to apologise to, it's the community at large for facilitating the lifestyles of disruptive people and helping them to avoid facing the truth. 

The surprise is that I don't recall anything ever being said about this sort of thing at my theological college, during my curacy (really) or in the training the diocese offers (though such situations feature in honest representations of Church life such as Rev). Perhaps everyone feels equally uncomfortable about it.